worthy of a crown but feeling the need to hold back? why… am i not ready yet?  am i healed enough?  am i sane enough?  will it fit in with expectations?  i didn’t care about the expectations before, but now it’s enough to allow me to use it as a blanket to nap under. i love naps but it’s difficult for me to take them, even when i know my body is in need of restoration. during high school i took naps all the time. that’s a good enough place to begin this story. with the only warning i care to write: this is not edited. this is not drafted or redlined. i am not a robot, and so there will be errors. human errors to be more specific, and honestly, i need there to be. if i catch the error i will likely fix it, otherwise it’s free to live as a mistake that was meant to be. 

the fear of imperfection allowed me to love the idea of ‘purpose’ from afar, but i kept waiting for something to click before acknowledging the chatter constantly resting in my mind. now i come to realize the simple truth is that i need to hit play and prove i truly care not for perfection or recognition, so long as i am focused on searching for answers to all my big life questions.

now back to high school… i took naps because even with an average that would make my father need to control himself, i managed to have my diploma earlier than everyone else. how? not that anyone ever asked, but because i took summer school one time. reflecting back as an adult i realize an important lesson i wasn’t aware enough to understand at that age. i don’t think it was math i loved. i think the teacher who taught it was fair and i often reflect as an adult on the imbalance of power between an adult and child. i held respect for this teacher because he simply never associated his ego with the subject he taught. if a student had a question he would always answer without sigh. without a roll of eyes. without a passive aggressive response about missing an assignment. this teacher wanted to get it right. not all the students got good grades, but most of them tried. the ones who didn’t remained quiet and never disrupted his class. a gem within public school. now i have a few private school rich kid friends, and they often pay 20 thousand dollars (or more) each semester for their kids school expecting their children to receive exactly the type of teachers i described above. 

it was this very idea of realizing from middle school on that in order to get ahead in life one needed to be smart. and being smart was determined through grades in school. and school was determined by adults. and nobody seemed to want to understand what intelligence actually is, because the easier solution has been to throw money at the problem since that would ensure that wealthy children would be quote, unquote smarter than nonwealthy children.  except that that is a lie. money might mask a problem, but surely it does not solve it.

do people even know why sex is taboo? it’s an interesting history that began during pretechnological times of human tribes. the imbalance of nature would cause humans to die. for example, if too many people were born and there was not enough food to hunt, people would fight for food (sometimes by death did they part), or die of starvation due to the lack thereof. eventually, reason allowed a particular tribe leader to determine that if people remained in partnerships there were less children born and that allowed a prosperous community to exist with an equilibrium of human necessities. if you ask me how i know this, i would have to tell you that i can only tell you what i believe, not what i know. for example, i know my mother is my mother because she gave birth to me and i was there for that. but you have to believe that she is my mother because i told you she is. you do not know if she is. (she is.) 

this is all i have for now. there’s no real point is there? it’s kind of more about the storyline that continues to make tangents.  in other words, a mystery…